You've Got Mail

Nuclear radiation test for the home

2011-04-07T00:14:00.000-04:00

This is sooo wrong but I had to send it.

If you are at all concerned about radiation fallout from Japan's Fukushima reactor, here is a readily available, innovative and inexpensive radiation tester you can use anywhere in your home.

1. Open a bag of Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn.

2. Leave it on a table and if it starts popping, you're screwed.

My Cat

2011-03-15T00:35:00.000-04:00

It just hit me:

My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For all this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up for him.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me:

My Cat is a politician!

President's Day

2011-03-08T20:05:00.000-05:00

I was eating lunch today with my 12 year old grandson
When his mom asked him, "What is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day"

......She asked "What does that mean?" I was waiting for
Something profound.

He said "President's Day is when Obama steps out of
The White House and if he sees his shadow, we have
2 more years of unemployment."

I almost snorted my iced tea!

Muslim Brotherhood

2011-02-26T20:22:00.001-05:00

This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if United States meddling in Egypt continued they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails,... They have threatened not to send us any more presidents either.

The Mother of all Jihadist jokes

2011-02-16T17:34:00.000-05:00

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe, chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily,
''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me . . . '' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would have been 18'', she whispers.

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

2011-01-31T22:27:00.000-05:00

The Latest Christmas Toy

A last minute Christmas toy my daughter
Received -- a talking Muslim doll.

Nobody knows what the hell it says cause
No one's got the balls to pull the cord!

"Charades"

2010-07-31T00:11:00.000-04:00

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can
Guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the
Charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge
Offering the charade player a million dollars to guess
A very hard charade on television.

The charade player agrees. Comes the big night, all
The world is watching. The charade player is sitting on
Stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain
Opens to reveal seven nude young women.

The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts,
While the other five have their backs to him and are
Baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says,
"The William Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You have
Done it! That's the correct answer. You are indeed the
Greatest charade player!" and he hands him a check
For a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and
Ask him how he did it."

It is really simple," says the charade player. "One look
At the positions of the seven women, and I realized it
As the William Tell Overture." "Rump titty rump
T/TTY rump rump rump."

ADD YOUR NAME

2010-05-17T13:54:00.000-04:00

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails,

BUT this one is important. It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.

We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.

Please keep it going!

To show your support for President Obama please go to the end of the list below and add your name.

1. Michelle Obama

2.

--
Thanks John

Three Young Boys

2010-02-18T16:13:00.001-05:00

Barack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disneyland ' Barack said, 'No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.' Barack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

The third kid said, 'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!' Barack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.'

Cough Syrup

2010-02-09T23:51:00.001-05:00

Cough Syrup..........

A Pharmacist walks into his store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The Pharmacist asks the Newfie clerk:
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The Newfie clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of Laxative."

The pharmacist yells:

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The Newfie clerk responds

Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough".

Apple announcement

2010-02-01T23:11:00.001-05:00

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Gonorrhea Lectim

2010-02-01T01:30:00.001-05:00

This is both funny and sad. Funny because of the name of this "disease"; sad because it's true!

The United States Center for Contagious Disease Control has issued a level 1 warning about a new virulent strain that has been quickly spreading. The disease is contracted through dangerously high-risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim, and is pronounced "gonna re-elect them."
Research has confirmed that most victims contracted this dangerous and destructive disease after having been screwed in November 2008.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how destructive this disease has become and have further learned that it is easily cured....by simply voting out all incumbents!

In spite of the perils, Pelosi, Reid and Obama are working in secret legislation to place Gonorrhea Lectim on the endangered species list to assure its survival.

Aid to Haiti

2010-01-24T17:12:00.000-05:00

Saw on the internet that Haiti is without a government.

To help out, I am donating one Obama, one Pelosi, one Reid, one Frank, one Coakley and two Clintons!

They may keep them permanently!

I'd give them a constitution too, since we're not using ours right now!!

Call from Hell

2010-01-20T06:02:00.001-05:00

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Welfare

2010-01-16T14:13:00.001-05:00

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. Located above the garage will be
Designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well, You started it."

Fw: Inner Peace

2010-01-05T09:50:00.000-05:00

-------Original Message-------

From: BLUIIIDVL2@aol.com

Date: 1/5/2010 7:58:51 AM

To: RONSBLUE@aol.com

Subject: Inner Peace

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice, you too can find inner peace.

Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Bacardi Rum, a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the Strawberry Shortcake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now. Pass this on if you know anyone you think might be in need of inner peace.

Too Dang funny! (don't be Drinking when reading this one)

2009-12-09T18:44:00.001-05:00

All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell.

As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go Christmas shopping. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:

1. Occupied.

2. Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.

3. Poo on seat.

4. Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.

5. No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of
toilet.

Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trousers and
sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being
next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.

I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut.

The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public.

My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent:
(1) The next-door conversation had ceased
(2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come
(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.

"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"

Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.

Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go horrible throw upin my mouth not make it tell the kids love them oh God" followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.

Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet.

There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.

As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.

I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the loo.

OLD FART FOOTBALL:

2009-11-11T17:46:00.001-05:00

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Exercises for people over 40

2009-08-15T06:58:00.000-04:00

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 25-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

Political healing

2009-07-25T04:45:00.000-04:00

The November election is now just a memory.

The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make up. But that they do!

Governor Sarah Palin, who ran for Vice President on John McCain's Republican ticket, is doing her part to do just that. For example, she has invited the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, to visit her great state of Alaska, now that she has more time after resigning from her post.

To celebrate her new-found freedom from the toils of office, she has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them:

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt

Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and

Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.

The best comeback!

2009-07-19T04:03:00.000-04:00

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours; green, red, orange and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked: " What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing that he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:
"Got stoned once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son"

Farrah - R.I.P.

2009-07-15T18:50:00.000-04:00

At 5:15 am, Thursday, June 25th, 2009, Farrah Fawcett passes away after a long battle with cancer. Shortly after she arrives at the Pearly Gates and

Meets with Saint Peter. Saint Peter said, "Farrah, you are truly an Angel and before you pass through these gates, I offer you one wish."

Farrah said, "Saint Peter, I want safety and security for all the children of the world."

Six hours later, Michael Jackson is dead.

Random Thoughts

2009-06-08T01:06:00.000-04:00

I'm just passing this thought along .....

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in
Your wallet were ever in a strippers's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now

Introducing the Pelosi GTix SS/RT

2009-06-05T00:52:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAqPMJFaEdY&feature=player_embedded

Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us

2009-04-29T21:54:00.000-04:00

LOST IN THIS PLACE

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard,' he says.

'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
________________________________________________________________

FAMILY

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year old

Draws a bath... She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,

'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'

She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
___________________________________________________________

'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer ....'
_________________________________________________________________

LITTLE LADY:

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked,

She would flip up the hem of her night-gown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an

elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.'

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
_____________________________________________________________

OLD FRIENDS:

Now this one is just too Precious..... !

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared

all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the

other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time,

but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is '

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
_________________________________________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he

heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Ernie, I just heard on the news

that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Ernie, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
________________________________________________________________

DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the

dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight

was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to

herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

Windows Live Hotmail®:more than just e-mail. Check it out.

Man of the House

2009-04-10T20:52:00.000-04:00

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE.'

He went to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, 'The F --kin' funeral director would be my first guess.

Qualified

2009-04-07T12:44:00.000-04:00

Qualifications to be President

In an Auburn College classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.

It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair
Was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?'

Yep, these are the same 18 year olds that just elected the new
President of the United States...

My new living will...

2009-04-02T18:16:00.000-04:00

I ,______________________________ , being of sound mind and body, do not

wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no

circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who

couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or

lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable

amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Margarita

______a Scotch and soda

______a Martini

______a Cosmopolitan

______a Vodka and Tonic

______a Steak

______Lobster or Crab Legs

______The Remote Control

______a Bowl of Ice Cream

______Chocolate

______Sex

It should then be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person

and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and

call it a day.

Signature: ___________________________

Attraction of Deception

2009-03-29T22:07:00.000-04:00

A wife happily back home and breaks good news to
Her husband, "Remember those 'not tonight honey I
Have headache' I have been having all these years?
Well, they are gone."

"No more headaches?" the amazed husband inquires,
"How is that, my darling wife?"

His wife replies, "I had mercy on you, so I took advice
From Manisha and went to a hypnotist. He told me to
Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I
Do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I
Do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches
Are all gone. Good for you."

The husband replies, "Well, we are back in game that
Is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you have not been exactly
A ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why do
Not you go see my hypnotist and see if he can do something
For that chill in you?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the
Husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife
And carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed
And says, "Do not move, I will be right back."

He goes into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later
In the bedroom, jumps on top of her, and makes a passionate
Love to his wife like never before.

His wife exclaims, "My love that was delightful!"

The husband says again, "Let's continue, and do not move!
I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back for round two
And by golly it was even more exciting than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Do not move, I will be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife
Quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom to see the
Hypnotic therapy, she sees him standing at the mirror naked
And saying, "She is not my wife. She is not my wife. She is
Not my wife!"

Blondes

2009-03-18T13:43:00.000-04:00

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the boxe able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... . ...

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Homesick

2009-03-03T13:01:00.000-05:00

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the Middle East and he was
only here a few months when he became ill. He went to doctor after doctor,
but none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said:

"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop,
and den put your head down over de bocket ahn breathe in de fumes for ten
minutes."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed
on the poop, and bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor, he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was
wrong with me?"

"You were homesick," said the doctor

Government contracting

2009-02-20T21:10:00.000-05:00

Three contractors---one from New York, one from Tennessee and the third from Florida---were bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. The three, along with a White House official, were examining the section of the fence that needed repairing.

The contractor from Florida looked at the fence, took out a tape measure, did some measuring, jotted some numbers on a pad, and turned to the official. "Well," he said, "I figure the job will run about nine hundred dollars: four hundred dollars for materials, four hundred dollars for my crew, and a one hundred dollar profit for me."

The contractor from Tennessee followed the same procedure as the one from Florida, turned to the official and said, "I can do this job for seven hundred dollars: three hundred dollars for materials, three hundred dollars for my crew, and a one hundred dollar profit for me."

The New York contractor didn't look at the fence, didn't measure the fence, and didn't do any figuring. He just leaned over to the White House official and whispered, "Two thousand seven hundred dollars."

The incredulous official said, "You didn't look at the fence, you didn't measure the fence, and you didn't do any figuring. How did you come up with such a high cost?"

The New York contractor whispered back, "One thousand dollars for me, one thousand dollars for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to do the fence."
"Done!" replied the official.
And that is how government contracting works.

Phone Problems

2009-02-18T21:57:00.000-05:00

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Sunday Drive

2009-02-16T02:03:00.000-05:00

2009-02-12T18:38:00.000-05:00

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowa days seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists. And in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Fw: The facts...

2009-02-11T12:41:00.000-05:00

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

FACT:

79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.

FACT:

58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:

1 lonely old timer is reading emails.

You hang in there sunshine....... :-) ;-) :-P :-D :-)

Service?

2009-01-28T22:06:00.000-05:00

I became confused when I heard these terms
With reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But
Today, I overheard two farmers talking, and
One of them said he had hired a bull to
'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those 'service'
Agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.

Flat Tire

2009-01-08T21:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate.

So I ease my car over to the shoulder of the road,carefully, get out of the
Car and open the trunk. I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood
Them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it! They are in trench coats
Exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers..

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men. And of
Course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and
Waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me. He gets out of
His car and starts walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy
Camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the
Road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know.

So I told him, "Hellooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

She must have been a blond

November 4th, 2008

2009-01-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said
'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand
Up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not
Perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said
Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
You do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
Teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say
Anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson
To the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh
Shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people,
November 4th, 2008".

Weeweechu

2008-12-16T20:27:00.000-05:00

It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,

"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.

I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita.

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu."

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

FELIZ NAVIDAD!!!!

Change

2008-11-20T14:05:00.000-05:00

As the CFO of a business that employees 140 people, I have resigned
Myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that our customers will have to see an increase in our prices of about 8%.

However, since we cannot increase prices right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.

This has really been eating at me, as we believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found 6 Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off.

I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

Sincerely,

Your Former Boss

Hope and Change

2008-11-06T21:14:00.000-05:00

John McCain, Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama were walking down a Washington DC street when they came upon a homeless man.

John McCain gave the man his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the man.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came upon another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked to him and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into McCain's pocket and got out $20. She kept the $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless man $5.

When they came upon yet another homeless person, Barak told him to "have hope change is coming" and gave him nothing.

Now do you understand the difference?

FW: Post Turtle

2008-10-01T21:52:00.000-04:00

A 75 year old Texas rancher had cut his hand on a gate

while working with his cattle.

The doctor who was stitching his hand struck up a

conversation with the old rancher, and the topic soon

turned to Obama's bid for President.

The old rancher commented that he saw Obama as a

'post turtle'.

The doctor, unfamiliar with the term, asked what a

post turtle was.

The old rancher replied, 'Well, you're driving down

a back road, and you come across a post with a turtle

Balanced on top of it. He's a post turtle.'

Seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face, he

continued.

'As soon as you see it, you know four things.

The turtle didn't get there by himself,

He doesn't belong there,

He doesn't know what to do while he's up there,

And you wonder what kind of idiot put him there.'

RUNOFF

2008-09-09T08:17:00.000-04:00

Election Run-off

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican
candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was
much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a
week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The
candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the
election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest
between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote
frozen lake in northern Minnesota ..

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out
separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for
counting and verification by a team of neutral parties.
At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and
he had
ten fish.

Soon Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just
having another 'bad hair' day and hopefully he would catch up the next
day.

At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in
again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama,
I think John McCain is a lowlife, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go
out
tomorrow and don't even bother fishing. Just spy on him and see just how
he is cheating.'

The next night, after John McCain returns with 50 fish, Harry Reid said to
Obama,
'Well... tell me, how is McCain cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting
holes in the ice.'
Experience Counts

Psssst...Have you heard the news? There's a new fashion blog, plus the latest fall trends and hair styles at StyleList.com.

Golfing Accident

2008-08-19T20:43:00.000-04:00

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
Horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
Playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his
Hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded
To roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began
To apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist
And I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told
Him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
Replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position,
Still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
Loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
Long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken.'

Does Griptape Come in Cherry Red?

2008-08-02T05:34:00.000-04:00

Today I saw a 40-year old man in a pink polo shirt cruising down the street on a skateboard.

It really impressed upon me the importance of saving up for your midlife crisis.

Shamelessly stolen from http://www.defectiveyeti.com/

One of the funniest 2 lines I have read in a while.

Guts Vs Balls

2008-07-29T11:59:00.000-04:00

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about
People having guts or balls, but do you really know
The difference between them? In an effort to keep
You informed, the definitions are noted below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with
The guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and
Having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are
You flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with
The guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on
Your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
Having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty!'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the
Outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

About Woodpeckers

2008-07-26T14:13:00.001-04:00

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in
Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees
To peck. The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree
That no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker
Challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree
With no problem.

The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker
Challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas
That no woodpecker has been able to peck successfully. The
Alaskan woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do
It. After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in
Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas
Woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan
Woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one
Was able to peck the tree in their own state.

After thinking for some time they both came to the same
Conclusion: "Your p-ecker is always harder when you're
Away from home."

"The Funeral"

2008-07-16T09:48:00.001-04:00

A woman was leaving a Starbucks, with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 20 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answer ed, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Could I borrow that dog?"

"Get in line."----

"How the Fight Started"

2008-07-08T13:44:00.001-04:00

A man and a woman were asleep like two
Innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the
Morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up
From the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap.
That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed,
Scared and naked he jumped out the window
Like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the
Ground, ran through a thorn bush and then
Started to run as fast as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up
To the bedroom and screamed at the woman,
'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were
You running?'

And that, folks............is how the fight started...

Fw: Think about this.....

2008-06-28T02:48:00.000-04:00

FACTS TO PONDER:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000

statistic.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now think about this:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000 (Yes, that's 80

million..)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

Statistics courtesy of the FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than

gun owners. Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors

before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, we have withheld the statistics on

lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical

attention!

Math over the years

2008-06-25T15:05:00.000-04:00

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:

Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of

Animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of

This way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels

feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.

Its in the Name

2008-06-22T15:08:00.000-04:00

A woman approached me at a party this past weekend.

'My name is Carmen,' she said to me.

'That's a beautiful name,' I replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things
I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

I said, 'B. J. Titsenhuntin

"Job Offer"

2008-06-20T09:34:00.000-04:00

A young man goes into the Job Center in Worcester
MA, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's
Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more, "Can
You give me some more details about this?" he asks
The guy behind the desk.

The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies -
"Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady
Patients ready for the gynecologist. You have to help
Them out of their underwear, lie them down and
Carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply
Shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair
Then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the
Gynecologist's' examination.

There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going
To have to go to Providence RI. That's about 100 miles
From here."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"

Interesting...

2008-06-17T10:10:00.000-04:00

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel

OPEC nations buy U.S. Grain for $7.00 a bushel

Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel

Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!

Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel!!!

2008-05-30T19:25:00.000-04:00

"Six Truths"

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face

Explanation of Life

2008-05-11T11:13:00.000-04:00

On first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun!,
Have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

AIN'T IT THE TRUTH !!?

2008-05-03T07:46:00.000-04:00

Joe Smith started the day early having set his

Alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking,

He shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),

designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)

And tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)

After cooking his breakfast in his new

electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)

He sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)

To see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN)

to the radio (MADE IN INDIA)

He got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY)

filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia)

and continued his search

for a good paying American JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging,

and fruitless day checking his computer (Made In Malaysia),

Joe decided to relax for a while.

He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL)

poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE)

and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),

and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job

in America .

Diet plan

2008-04-28T19:29:00.000-04:00

TAKE IT OFF

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic,

19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles
Later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows Up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,

sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes

And a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have Me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best,

but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting

In better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he
Discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is
Our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt
This good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it,

He finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes

and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

WHERE WHITE MAN WENT WRONG

2008-04-22T23:46:00.000-04:00

Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government
official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.

You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to
think he can improve system like that.'

RETIREMENT

2008-04-11T08:47:00.000-04:00

My new investment strategy...

Here's a little retirement info for you:

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock,

one year ago, you would have $49.00 left.
With Enron, you'd have had $16.50 left of the original $1, 000.00.
With WorldCom, you'd have had less than $5.00 left.

But... if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer, one year ago,

drank all the beer and then turned in the cans for the aluminum

recycling REFUND, you'd have $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice

is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg.

Five Rules for Men

2008-04-10T17:52:00.003-04:00

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from

time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to

you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be

with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

Tax Rebates

2008-03-19T19:02:00.001-04:00

How to use the rebate

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of
us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all
the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to
the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we
purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and
Guatamala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we
purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help
the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that
money here at home is to buy prostitutes and beer, since those are the
only businesses still in the US.

Butcher Dance

2008-02-21T01:04:00.000-05:00

(note) Ok this is a long one..but please bare with me its either worth it or you will kill me..I DONT care!! I thought it was the funniest thing I have read in a long time!

A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so he thought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into a pub for a well earned beer.

He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about his project. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

"Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?"

"What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree."

"Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you many days of travel to go see it."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."

"Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along the highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt track veer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big huge dead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow this creek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out of some rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there, though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybe three days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man's head. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find the village. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."

So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After a couple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state, and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach the tree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.

He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high, and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he had been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it for another two, until he reached the rocky mountains.

The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of both himself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on, finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit as treacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of ever getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued their long trek.

When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low, and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves and headed out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually staggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them and fed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Once he recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him that he came to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not till next year."

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me tonight?"

"No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."

Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he was present to witness it.

But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that year turned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles. Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and the mountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass, they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during which they were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsided.

Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journey greatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling, they staggered into the village right at noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late to see it!"

The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."

Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darkness had settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body entered the circle and began to chant.

"What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief.

"Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removed himself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomed out across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This was it. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. He was about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.

The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

2008-02-07T08:38:00.000-05:00

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods turns to Wonder and says,

"How's the singing career going"?

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's your golf"?

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf??"

Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again, I play the ball toward his voice."

"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap"?

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says, "We've got to play around sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks it over and says, "Okay, I'm all for that. When would you like to play"?

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

Umm No ma'am

2008-01-17T21:00:00.001-05:00

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP CATALOG.

YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM..THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER!

P.S. No, the Plaid one is not for sale either. That is my Thermos!

Neighbors

2008-01-15T22:52:00.001-05:00

A young man moved into a new apartment of his

own and went to the lobby to put his name on his

mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out

of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a

robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she

started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had

nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain

eye contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,

"Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against

it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;

they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm

and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard

someone coming.... that was me."

Please take the following Manliness Assessment

2007-11-16T09:13:00.001-05:00

1) In the company of females, intercourse should be
Referred to as:

A) lovemaking
B) screwing
C) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2) You should make love to a woman for the first time
Only after you've both shared:

A) your views about what you expect from a S*xual
Relationship
B) your blood-test results
C) five tequila slammers

3) You time your org*sm so that:

A) your partner climaxes first
B) you both climax simultaneously
C) you don't miss SportsCenter

4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A) healthy, creative love-play
B) not the sort of thing
Your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
C) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever
Find out about

5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman
You've just had sex with is:

A) the best part of the experience
B) the second best part of the experience
C) $100 extra

6) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in
The last month. You tell her that it is:

A) No concern of yours
B) not a problem, she can join your gym
C) a conservative estimate

7) You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A) a myth
B) an oxymoron
C) a moron

8) Foreplay is to sex as:

A) appetizer is to entree
B) primer is to paint
C) a line is to an amusement park ride

9) Which of the following are you most likely to find
Yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

A) "I hope we can still be friends."
B) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message
At the beep."
C) "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU."

10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you
Self-indulge:

A) probably needs a little more time before she can
Cope with that sort of intimacy.
B) is uptight and a waste of time
C) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the
First place

Evaluating the results:
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your
Pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into
Therapy, you're a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You DA MAN!"

Some interesting facts

2007-11-10T08:51:00.001-05:00

Ran across this clip this morning and thought I just had to share it with everybody.

Enjoy

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1713721

"Change of Plans"

2007-09-30T13:32:00.000-04:00

A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night
By strange noises from his parents' room, and he
Decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom,
He was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging
For all they were worth.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?"

"It is ok," his father replied. "Your mother wants a
Baby that is all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby
Brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a
Smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past
The bathroom and was shocked to discover his
Mother giving oral gratification to his father.

"DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?"

"Son, there has been a change of plan," his father
Replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she
Wants a BMW."

Fw: SMALL????

2007-09-19T08:27:00.000-04:00

Little Suzie came home from school and with a smile on her face told her mother.

"Me and Frank Brown were playing today and he got his willy out!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Suzie went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Suzie's Mum asked, "Really small was it ?"

"No" Suzie replied "Salty!"

MASSIVE HEART ATTACK

2007-09-06T22:35:00.000-04:00

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack and his family drove

Wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared,

Wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly he said "I'm afraid hes brain-dead, but his heart is still beating"

"Oh, dear God," cried his wife, Her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock!

"We've never had a Democrat in the family!"

Sunday Morning Sex

2007-09-02T19:21:00.000-04:00

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling..

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her
95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified Katie told her grandmother that 2 people, nearly 100 years
old having sex, would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on
the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive
if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.'

Fw: MALE OR FEMALE????

2007-08-15T22:54:00.000-04:00

Computer Dependency

No need to google or "snopes" this one - it's absolutely, definitely, no
doubt about it T R U E !!!!!

This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...

> >
> > ..
> >
> >
> >
> > .
> >
> >
> >
> > ..
> >
> >
> >
> > ..
> >
> >
> >
> > ..
> >
> >
> >
> > .
> >
> >
> >
> > ..
> >
> >
> >
> > ..
> >
> >
> >
> > ..
> >
> >
> >
Look down, not scroll down, dummy!

Teen Question

2007-08-15T00:24:00.000-04:00

A teenager comes home from school and asks
her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me?
Babies come out of the same place where
boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that
the subject had finally come up and she
wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," responded the
teenager, "Won't it knock my teeth out?"

FAST SEX

2007-07-27T08:25:00.001-04:00

Fast Sex
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really
hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll
give you $100 if you let me have sex with you..."The girl looked at
him, and then said, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really
fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and
accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all
quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed

HEALTH PLAN

2007-07-14T14:16:00.001-04:00

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan.

XOX Ginny

Fw: NEW HAMPSHIRE DEPT. OF TOURISM

2007-07-03T08:15:00.000-04:00

From The New Hampshire Department of Tourism

New Hampshire seems to be on everyone's vacation wish list. This list of rules will be handed to each person entering the state. Note: Vehicles from New Jersey, New York City and Connecticut will receive two copies

1. That slope shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "dirt road" No matter how slowly you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked, by our women.

5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their Final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time!

7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Order a two-pound lobster and steamers. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

9. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

10. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar skidders to pull logs out of the woods.

11. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red, and we may even stop when it's yellow.

12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

13. Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams and haddock too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.

14. There are pigs and there are cows. That's what they smell like. Get Used to it............. Don't like it? I-91, 93 & 89 go two ways ... get on the Southbound Lane!

15. "Opening day" refers to the first days of fishing and deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.

16. So what if every person in every pickup waves? It's called being Friendly. Understand the concept?

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It Spooks the fish.

18. Chowder is supposed to be white. Don't even think of asking for red Chowder until you are somewhere safely south of Nashua.

Welcome to New Hampshire. The Way Life Should Be.

New Boss

2007-06-04T22:05:00.000-04:00

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all

slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "TELL me how MUCH MONEY DO YOU MAKE A WEEK?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET THE HELL OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, " Delivery guy from PIZZA PIZZA.

Mowing and Beer

2007-05-24T23:40:00.000-04:00

Last Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my
lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my

girlfriend mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was
so outraged that she came over and shouted at me,
"You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped
the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray
Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes

of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly
replied,

" I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

COWS, GOLF AND A WIFE

2007-05-14T17:06:00.000-04:00

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over,
lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of
the cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey,
this looks like yours'"

"I don't remember much after that..."

BLONDE GENIES

2007-05-07T20:58:00.000-04:00

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. Over the next few days he makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one," I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But, why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!"

Apple Announcement

2007-05-03T19:58:00.000-04:00

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBOOB will cost between $499 and $599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women are always

complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

"Dramamine"

2007-04-30T19:03:00.000-04:00

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on
the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband
says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some rubbers
before we go."

"Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up
some Dramamine."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says
to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package
of Dramamine, please."

"Yes sir", says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you
a question? If it makes you so nauseous, why do
you do it?"

"A Miracle Cure"

2007-04-25T08:50:00.000-04:00

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers
and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have
a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!"
announces a proud physician, "They just came out
with this new wonder drug that does the trick! You
take some pills, and your problems are history."

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends
him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his
patient on the street.

"Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got
to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!
I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician,
"What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"

What not to say to a cop

2007-04-24T22:39:00.001-04:00

What not to say to a cop

While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 4 mph over the limit), I

passed over a bridge only to find cop with a radar gun on the other side

laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic

patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied," I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The cop just stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a

rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to

two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side

to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch,

until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a

bridge....."

Traffic Ticket: $95.00

Court Costs: $45.00

The Look on that Cop's Face: PRICELESS

Fw: to be 6 again

2007-04-01T19:04:00.000-04:00

   A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife,
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked
what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

   "I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

   On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big
bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a
day!
   He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of
Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

   He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal
with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

   Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with
a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six
again??"

   Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant
my dress size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.

"The Budweiser method"

2007-03-31T14:56:00.000-04:00

Two cowboys were leanin' up against the rail at their
favorite bar.... They're tired and worn out from a long day.
Havin a couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talking,
watchin' the women go by... This really beautiful brunette
walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats
back a little, look at each other, smile, and one of them
says, "I'll give her a 3."

The other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's
a 3 for sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic
lookin redhead, comes walkin by in front of them... First
cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from
his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I think
that one must be a 4." The second cowboy agrees and
says, "Yep... she sure is a 4."

Time passes on, and the cowboys are still sippin' their
beers, just watchin' folks pass. And across the room
comes this absolutely gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful
blonde.... As she comes near them, they both kind a
straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better
look. First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal
and says, "Damnnn! That one has GOT to be a 6." The
second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep.
DEFINITELY a 6."

Well, the woman hears them.. and she is NOT amused...
She turns around real sharply and comes right up to the
two grinning cowboys... She looks the first one in the
eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually
standing there rating women?!?"

The cowboys look kind a embarrassed... lookin' down
at their boots, and they both nod. One of them says,
"Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't understand...."
She is REALLY mad now... and looks at the cowboy
and says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far
higher than that by far better than YOU."

And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really
don't understand!" And she says, "Well. What is it I
don't understand. Here you are, rating women. I
understand THAT!."

And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a
different kind a rating system....."

The blonde, says, "Oh. And what would THAT be?
No one has EVER rated me a SIX before!"

And the second cowboy says, "Well, we use the
Budweiser method, ma'am."

So she asks, "What the hell is the Budweiser method?"

And the first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says,
reeeeal slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many
Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."

Peel & Win - Watch out Tim Horton customers

2007-03-07T18:19:00.000-05:00

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "Peel & Win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've
won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
motor home!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't
have that as a prize."
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"
She hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
o
o
o
o
o

(Scroll down!!)
o
o
o
o
o
(THIS IS TOO FUNNY!)

o
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o
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o
o

"W I N A B A G E L"
P.S.: I just pass 'em on, I don't write 'em!

Kids...

2007-01-25T19:21:00.000-05:00

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear

about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten

students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and

him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time

they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the

wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any

easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed

to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on,

this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue,

rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say

so?", like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off

his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my

brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she

should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she

had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." She will be

eligible for parole in three years.

World's Best Divorce Letter

2007-01-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Connie ,

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'm never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you. It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.

Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is.

Love, Dan

Thanks E! for finding the text format of this one

Not a problem?

2007-01-12T19:34:00.000-05:00

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked

whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

35% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

65% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio."

Do You Know Me?

2007-01-12T01:11:00.000-05:00

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma
a question if they aren't prepared for the answer: In
a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly
woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you
cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're
a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you
never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to
do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.
Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley
since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and
he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the
bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of
you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you
both to the electric chair."

Been thinking about the border problem

2006-11-13T23:07:00.000-05:00

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border.

When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border,

hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq.

Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a

tour in the military.

Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him

on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen

since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be

taxed and be a legal patriot.

This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide

a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make

a better life for themselves.

If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the

canteen, rifle or ammo. --- Problem solved

***Thanks Shanna for sending this one***

Five Surgeons

2006-11-12T11:11:00.000-05:00

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the bet

patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York City, says,

"I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you

open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second surgeon, fromChicago, responds,

" Yeah, but you should try electricians!

Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, fromDallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are

the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in:

"You know, I like construction workers.... those guys always

understand when you have few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, Washington,DC shut them all up when he observed:

"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on; there

are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head

and ass are interchangeable.

"Twick Or Tweat"

2006-10-30T13:05:00.000-05:00

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find
the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly
hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just
delightful. The woman said, "What are you supposed
to say, sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says, "Twick
or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls
her husband to come to the door. The woman say to
the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick
or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is
just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from
the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops
it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the
woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke
all my frigging cookies!"

Fw: broom love

2006-10-28T21:12:00.000-04:00

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to
know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom
broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom
broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over
and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk
broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Brains

2006-10-22T17:49:00.000-04:00

Nominated as the best short joke this year!

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," replied his mother

Thanks Barb for sending this one!!!

$800

2006-10-19T10:28:00.000-04:00

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, What are you doing?
She answers, I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 a night for doing what I do for you for free.

A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies, I'm coming too.

I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

Why English Only

2006-10-15T14:56:00.000-04:00

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.