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This blog is all about jokes and random thoughts. Don't look for deep insight or thoughts on current events..This is just to make me and my friends laugh and hopefully a few others as well.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Two minute management course

Lesson One
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

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Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.

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Lesson Three
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course

posted by Thundar # 10:47 PM 0 Comments

"An Irish Daughter"

An Irish daughter had not been home
for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her.
"Where have ye been all this time? Why
did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand
what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....
I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to
give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed
to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million
savings certificate. For me little brother, this
gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling
new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that's parked outside plus a membership to
the country club....(takes a breath)....and an
invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve
on board my new yacht in the Riviera and ... "

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?"
says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad!
Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! BY GOLLY!! Ye scared me half to death,
girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come
here and give yer old man a hug!"

posted by Thundar # 10:13 PM 0 Comments

Monday, August 21, 2006

Life

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

posted by Thundar # 7:13 PM 0 Comments

Saturday, August 05, 2006

The Boss

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain ,
"Because I run all the body's systems,
so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"Because I circulate oxygen all over
so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"
Because I process food and give
all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever
it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see
where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Becau se I'm responsible for
waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight.

Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood Was toxic.
They all decided that the
rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The asshole is usually in charge !!

If you don't send this to at least 8 people....

no one will give a poop

posted by Thundar # 12:06 PM 0 Comments

Friday, August 04, 2006

Vaseline

"Vaseline"

A market researcher called at a house and
his knock was answered by a young woman
with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his
questions and when she agreed, he asked
her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-
Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that
among their many products was Vaseline and
she certainly knew of that product.

When asked if she used it, the answer was,
"Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse."

The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always
ask that question because everyone uses our
product and they always say they use it for the
child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some
other purpose; but I know that most people really
use it for sexual intercourse, they just don't like
to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you
tell me exactly how you use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

posted by Thundar # 6:21 PM 0 Comments